Our Hard-won Inner Truths
This is the Final steppingstone of the Third pathway in our journey towards awareness as we continue to unravel the depths of our dreams and discover their impactful nature.
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14 MINUTE READ
Interpersonal relationships are complex looking glasses that tell the story of our very own past, present, and future. Who we are, what we do or say, where we end up, and why we make our choices are all greatly influenced by our childhood care givers, influencers in our developmental years, family, neighbors, community members, friends, colleagues, romantic partners, etc.
Every past relationship, starting with our care givers, has molded us and been a source of personal education in one way or another.
Every current relationship is an opportunity for honest self-reflection and personal evolution.
The continued development and nurturing of those relationships that we choose to keep hold of and every potential relationship waiting in the wings offers the chance for innovative change and personal awareness.
Relationship dynamics are difficult and more unsettling for some than for others depending on our rearing. In relationships it is much harder to keep parts of ourselves separate/closed off. It can get uncomfortable having to answer to somebody else or remembering to meet the other person halfway.
Sometimes people cause the demise of their own relationships because subconsciously those people do not want to be put in positions where they have to acknowledge their own flaws or do the work needed to actually fix problems or embrace change.
A relationship in motion means being constantly confronted with all our scattered “parts”.
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How do you act in and experience different relationships differently?
Have you been a “desert” and felt as if something was missing, as if you are looking for something, but cannot quench your thirst. Trials being forced upon you, forcing you to make sense of mirages, and making way for disappointments and resentments until you are confronted with the next encounter.
Have you been a “forest”, enduring many cycles of death and rebirth, making way for new while being made to let go. Hidden realms and secrets constantly shaking up your foundations while ever-present diversity engulfs your senses and clouds your mind.
Have you been an “island”, convincing yourself you have discovered refuge in escapism, solitude, loneliness, abandonment, captivity, and/or silence. Experiencing pains and fears but believing that they are somehow or can be worth the “adventure”.
We can learn that the oasis found in a desert makes us appreciate nourishment like we never have before.
We can discover that the mysteries of a forest evoke a curiosity within that encourages survival and opens unexpected doors.
We can recognize that far, far beneath an island a connection to a mainland often exists. It is our subconscious that holds the connection to that piece of consciousness that broke away due to some “event”.
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We make the choice in our relationships to either lead with our traumas/experiences or learn from our traumas/experiences. Without accountability and open communication, the building and fortifying of healthy and enduring relationships is simply not possible.
The actions we used to cope with experiences in childhood and our early years are not necessarily appropriate coping mechanisms when it comes to relationship dynamics in adulthood. This is why we have to know what our triggers are and wrap our heads around how we have been taught to innately cope with them. Then, we have to unravel all that and move forward by finding an appropriate strategy, as adults, to be able to cope. Otherwise, our relationships will inevitably wither.
For example, if you are more likely to freeze/submit during conflict, then you might think about what a healthier version of fight/flight might be for you to consider exercising: An article on trauma responses can help us uncover more about our behaviors and choices.
1) Avoid running away, instead step out and take space to make sense of everything and come back clear minded with a goal rooted in resolution.
2) Do not cry and cling, communicate your needs calmly and efficiently by first breathing deeply and relaxing your muscles, your canvas impacts what you are able to “create”.
3) Do not be aggressive, assert yourself by setting necessary and respectful boundaries with controlled confidence.
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When we perceive “danger”, it is a survival instinct to do anything, even drag the people closest to us down, to ourselves be able to “stay afloat”. Accountability prevents us from being washed away by unavoidable conflict.
Ho do you handle fear, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, frustration, anger, exhaustion, sorrow, etc.?
Think about your actions and reactions. We need to do some investigating so as to have better direction. We are not children anymore, so we are responsible fully for our choices, no matter the foundation we began with.
If we were not taught something through repetition over and over again during our development, then that something becomes foreign to us where it would be innate to another depending on what they experienced. When we are unfamiliar with something, relationships cleverly allow for trial and error to be able to teach us about that something over time.
There are some who were not taught kindness or compassion or healthy physical contact, that simply means we have to find the will and the way to learn such lessons for ourselves. Having had to learn the hard way the depth of meaning can be that much more powerful both within and with respect to our expressions in the world.
Conflict resolution is a deeply faceted subject, and this discussion is just the tip of the iceberg.
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What is your Achilles heel?
Many of us have more than one obstacle to overcome, but everybody has that one Achilles heel, even those who have been lucky enough to have developed a healthy emotional state from the beginning have an Achilles heel, no matter how small it may seem to another.
Healthy communications = healthy coping = healthy connections.
how can you find a sense of safety moving forward if unitl now that has eluded you in certain aspects of your life and personal interactions?
We have to earn our mental, emotional, and physical health, we have to earn our relationships, we have to earn our place in our communities. That’s what life is about, struggling towards future “enlightenment” in regard to whatever that ends up being or meaning to and for the individual.
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We do not have to agree with another person’s point of view, but if we want to harbor healthier relationships then we need to be able to offer recognition and a level of understanding in regard to their perspective. If they feel safe and validated, they are then of the mindset to want to offer up the same. It is a matter of respecting the autonomy of the other person that is a part of your life and in doing so encouraging a sense of freedom.
We are all different people experiencing connections together.
Example of a relationship misunderstanding: We become frustrated, disappointed, angry, or upset by a choice somebody else makes that impacts us. However, many times, we are not in actuality mad at the choice itself or even the fall out as it pertains to us. If we could just dig a little bit deeper, while considering calmly and clearly the depths of what makes us “tick”, very often we are mad at the person for not considering us before making that choice. Thus, it is in reality about feeling devalued or unseen. Without the right tools in place to cope, we misconstrue things when we spue our unhappiness making the other person think it is about the actual choice they made because we gave our issue the wrong “face”.
If we are not clear and well balanced within ourselves, how can we hope to influence those people in our lives in such a way as to nurture stronger partnerships with them?
Fact: In adulthood there is no law stating that blood has to be thicker than water. We have the freedom and right to choose our influences, our environment, what we will allow in terms of how we are treated and how we allow people to behave towards us, it is our choice to find the silver lining in any situation, our choice to not engage in the negative and to nurture compassion, etc.
The blueberry theory: I always try to take this with me and picture it whenever I am making choices in regard to groups, communities, relationships, etc. When we are in the supermarket buying a container of blueberries, we would never put a container in our cart if we saw one or two moldy blueberries amidst all the other blueberries. Why? The answer is because we know that very shortly those one or two moldy blueberries will corrupt and make all the surrounding blueberries moldy as well. Then, before we know it, all the blueberries in that container become moldy.
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It is healthy to want strong communication in any relationship, but then we need to accept that many people in this day and age are more comfortable with indirect forms of communication, especially when it comes to expressing emotions. It is the era we live in. We cannot jump to fault people for always being guided back to what they know.
It is healthy to want support in any relationship, but then we need to admit to ourselves that imperfections are ever-present. We all drop the ball; everybody has their own struggles that sometimes get in the way of them being the best support system they can be for another.
It is healthy to want love/physical contact in a relationship, but then we need to understand that sometimes people are just not in that head space, even if we are. Something going on with them might be holding them back. We need to be more willing to look at the cues before we accuse. Why not just go ahead and ask them for that hug you so desperately need if they are not initiating it? Communication is a two-way street not a dead-end road where you stand there and wait for the other party to somehow figure it out without offering any context for them to do so.
It is healthy to want acceptance/tolerance in any relationship, but then we need to be willing to concede that judgment and blame have become such a part of our culture that sometimes this can unfortunately be a struggle for even the best of us.
It is healthy to want honesty in any relationship, but we need to embrace this with our eyes wide open to the fact that sometimes people hold themselves back because they were taught who they were and what they had to say was of less value based on how they were raised and what they experienced along the way. Shame and guilt are very tall mountains for even the most experienced to conquer.
It is healthy to want consistent commitment, but we need to be willing to take on the other persons “baggage” that follows behind them. We do best to remember that we all need our own space now and again, even in the most secure relationships. Note: Do not confuse commitment with people pleasing which is actually a survival mechanism that we need to overcome because otherwise we lose ourselves in that kind of misguided kindness by becoming invisible all while trying to be seen.
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Trust takes time to build when it is not taught. In a relationship where trust has not been a trait an individual has worked on nurturing, when bad things happen, they may see the other person as “the enemy” instead of embracing a curiosity and empathy that allows them to see the other person as a flawed human being capable of mistakes like any other.
We have to worry about our own bottom line and give other people the courtesy of allowing them to label theirs. This is where communication, an open mind, and acceptance are very much needed. As human beings we get hurt by others but that does not mean it was purposeful or with mal intent. Having the ability to offer recognition and explanations will always bridge the gap between people for the hope of a better and more fulfilling existence for everyone involved.
Healthy people easily and without question rely on other people for flourishing and expansion.
What is your story?
How can reflecting more on your part in your relationship dynamics help you to discover more about your personal story or allow you to take better ownership of your story?
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Dreamwork –
What is the point of our battles and the scars they leave behind if we do not learn from them, change because of them, fight in spite of them, become more than the sum of our past teachings, experiences, shadows, and mistakes?
Is accountability a daily practice for you? Have you considered how this practice can actually help you to better empathize with those around you in all walks of life?
Dreams can be a willing guide on our journies and have the ability to influence all that we come across on our travels.
Even for those of us who feel that they are not lost, the question is whether or not what we have found reflects the truth of who we are inside.
Our dreams can reveal the imperfections that we all too often try so hard to hide. Such imperfections exist in all of us, which is just one of the reasons there are none who do not dream.
Dreams have the ability to awaken the best parts that we have inside, but They strip away our illusions and insist that we accept responsibility, forcing us to acknowledge the answers we uncover for what they are instead of trying to manipulate them into what we want them to be.
Poetry is often dream-like, indirectly bringing things to the surface for acceptance and subsequent healing under an obscure canopy. Keeping with this sentiment, George Crabbe’s short poem, Late Wisdom, is an intriguing supplemental read to re-enforce the ideas presented in this article using a different language, so to speak. Sometimes simply saying something in a different way opens the flood gates in ways not yet realized or in ways that we never dreamed possible.
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The first steppingstone, taking Ownership of Self-knowledge, in the fourth pathway, Embracing the unexpected through a differnt lens will become available on my blog, Dawning Descent, in due course.
If you were moved by anything that I had to contribute here please contact me regarding your experience. I am excited to travel this path and learn along with you. I look forward to our communications.
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