Personal Boundaries
10 MINUTE READ
Boundaries are the decided plans we put into action in defense of our authenticity and chosen way of life. When successful, they gift us with prosperity and have the ability to enrich our personal worlds.
Upholding boundaries requires a commitment to open communication, accountability, resilience, lack of shame, and self-empowerment. Boundaries may fail because we are disconnected from our intuitive selves, avoiding self-reflection, in need of more time to work on unfinished recovery and self-growth, or perhaps lacking an independent voice.
The best place to begin when developing boundaries is by first learning about what are needs truly are and discovering the best ways for us to then get those needs met.
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Questions for boundary setting:
1) What makes this boundary important and worthwhile?
2) What are you looking to achieve through this boundary?
3) Does this boundary restrict or offer opportunity?
4) Should this boundary be revamped or examined from a different perspective to perhaps make it that much more influential?
5) Who or what was this boundary created to manage?
6) Does this boundary suit me?
What other questions come up from your perspective? I would love to hear from you.
Questions for upholding boundaries:
1) Does this boundary still serve its intended purpose, or should it be either let go or changed?
2) Does this boundary have the ability to evolve with me?
3) Is this boundary not working out because of me or because of something or someone else, or is it both?
4) What do I need to do to make this boundary less difficult for me to handle?
5) What do I need to do to prevent this boundary from taking up so much of my energy?
6) How am I feeling and where are my thoughts surrounding this boundary?
What other questions come up from your perspective? I would love to hear from you.
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Professional Boundaries center around the rules and regulations connected to our daily experiences and schedules that we choose to undertake for one reason or another with respect to our occupations, purposeful pursuits, and pastimes.
Examples:
1) My lunch or break times are for me alone and whatever will bring me joy and fulfillment.
2) I am accountable for and do all that I can within the accepted time requirements and anything beyond that will have to wait as my needs now take full precedence.
3) While remembering that I have agreed to a job I will not allow its requirements to cause destruction to my ethics, self-respect, beliefs, or standards. Should this come to pass I will immediately and openly communicate with whomever I must in order to make sure this imbalance is corrected moving forward.
4) I will say no when I am overwhelmed and explain my situation and why it was necessary for me to do so to those who may be worthy of the explanation.
5) I will learn from and reflect on mistakes and any negative experiences to be able to hopefully achieve a better outcome the next time.
6) I will adjust my boundaries and enforce new ones towards what is in my best interests when and if necessary, based on how this part of my life evolves.
7) Whenever possible, I will limit my time spent in the company of people whose conversations and behaviors are, in my opinion, less than positive, mature, productive, or character building.
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Community Boundaries control allowances involving neighbors, volunteer work, religious or other organizations, and any and all general interactions with different societal groups.
Examples:
1) I will put myself first when I need to.
2) As my time and energy are both precious, I will only give them to those who resonate with my path in life, offer positive influences, and/or are actively appreciative of my efforts.
3) Whatever I give to others I will do so while always considering my own needs.
4) I will be careful with regard to any choices I make as I want them to be a reflection of who I am inside.
5) I will always remember empathy for others while never losing sight of myself in the process.
6) Whatever I do, it will be because I want to do it!
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Family Boundaries are structured around what is acceptable to us when presented with dynamics existing around grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, cousins, nieces/nephews, etc.
Examples:
1) I will not allow myself to feel less of a person because our perspectives and paths may differ.
2) I will not force a connection where one has proven not to exist, but I will nurture a connection that feels right.
3) I will separate myself from those who push my buttons and from judgements, but in those times that separation is not possible I will do what I must while controlling what words and behaviors I allow into my inner world moving forward.
4) I will focus on what I need to do and not waste my time trying to change people who do not feel as if they need to change.
5) I will be there to help in the important times, but I will not allow my life to be usurped on a regular basis.
6) I will offer support and empathy as much as it is bestowed upon me.
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Parenting Boundaries are built around the choices we make with respect to how we want our children to experience the world and the mindset we wish for them to nurture along the way while still upholding security and protection that is in their best interests.
Examples:
1) I will listen to my child and not always be the one doing the talking.
2) I will not humiliate my child through actions, words, or deeds so as to tear down their sense of self or self-worth.
3) I will encourage them to go after what they want and reassure them that there is nothing they cannot do.
4) I will enforce rules set for their safety, health, and well-being whether they like it or not.
5) When mistakes are made, I will empathize and help them learn from the experience, but I will also hold them accountable and insist on consequences that will hopefully better them in the end, not diminish them.
6) I will make sure that whatever choices I make they are in the best interests of my child as I am their parent, not their friend, and I will not worry about whether I am liked or how I am seen by others if I truly believe that what I am doing is right.
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Relationship Boundaries embody all of what makes healthy interactions with significant others and what allows for love, loyalty, and respect within a partnership in order to help it to flourish.
Examples:
1) I will not allow gas lighting and will immediately express that as being unacceptable, should it occur.
2) I will maintain my independence and need for personal space as our connection deepens.
3) I will not see vulnerability as a weakness and will demand and support wholeheartedly truthful communication.
4) No matter how good things are I will still want couples therapy because I will never stop wanting us to be surprised by and proud of one another.
5) Only my voice will be at the forefront of everything that I say, do, and think.
6) I will not always give more than I receive, balance is everything.
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Friendships Boundaries revolve around protocols and customs determined and adjusted for those you may consider closer than blood relatives, those in your inner circle, those you talk to more than you see, and even those you are actually more indirectly connected to via others.
Examples:
1) I will walk away if things are one-sided, I have to gain from them as much as they gain from me and vice versa.
2) I will insist that we are actively there for each other not only in the good times but also in the bad times.
3) If the challenges of life separate us for brief or even longer periods of time, I will not feel insecure about or relationship, and if I do, I will address the situation with that friend because something is obviously lacking.
4) I will be confident in my worth and what I bring to the table.
5) I will be careful about deciding who I will see as a worthy confidant for my personal/private stories and secrets.
6) We have to feel as if we can be ourselves with one another and even better ourselves because of one another.
Perhaps begin to outline some of your own boundaries using any or all of these categories and examples as inspiration.
Journaling on the subject of boundaries can be very eye opening.
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I have found patience, curiosity, empathy, creativity, strength of will, and self-love to be indispensable qualities when it comes to how we approach our personal boundaries.
There is a wonderful collection of short, guided meditations by Diane Linsley centered around boundaries and staying grounded, standing confidant, as well as on how we use and protect our energies in the process. These meditations can be found in the Boundary list on her YouTube page.
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Poetry is a powerful tool used to indirectly bring ideas of value to the surface for continued learning. The poem Crossing the Swamp by Mary Oliver is a favorite of mine and has been provided below for your enjoyment. Although every poem has a general theme, we will all potentially interpret the same poem differently and explore it based on our own individual experiences and mindsets. This poem uses something of nature to discuss breaking past struggle and absorbing from it what we must from the perspective of brighter possibilities so as to be made whole in a brand-new way. At least this is how I see its meaning. This reminded me of what it is to stand with our boundaries no matter how hard so as to gain strength from their existence and hope from their offerings.
Crossing the Swamp by MARY OLIVER
Here is the endless
wet thick
cosmos, the center
of everything—the nugget
of dense sap, branching
vines, the dark burred
faintly belching
bogs. Here
is swamp, here
is struggle,
closure--
pathless, seamless,
peerless mud. My bones
knock together at the pale
joints, trying
for foothold, fingerhold,
mindhold over
such slick crossings, deep
hipholes, hummocks
that sink silently
into the black, slack
earthsoup. I feel
not wet so much as
painted and glittered
with the fat grassy
mires, the rich
and succulent marrows
of earth— a poor
dry stick given
one more chance by the whims
of swamp water— a bough
that still, after all these years,
could take root,
sprout, branch out, bud--
make of its life a breathing
palace of leaves.
- Mary Oliver
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